Lost & Forgotten

Yes I know, it's been too long, I agree. Life has been thrown at me from a million different direction and I've finally fallen apart. April seemed never-ending and I thought may would be new, exciting, loving and refreshing but so far its turned out to be D. none of the above. Lets start with school. I feel behind by ages when really I have only missed one day in the past two months. Nothing seems to make sense and I don't even have passion for my web design and broadcasting classes, the reasons I once only woke up for. I give up. I just don't seem to care anymore, and I'm scared to the reasoning. School only contains five more weeks, and then maybe a release from this teenager-hell.

Family comes next. Most days are simply UNBEARABLE. Now my mother is home, for the first time in years...and it's just different. I will never get used to it, for attachment and loss is something my body and my heart cannot take.

Kody. I love this boy, with everything in me. There are nights where I will scream my guts out into my pillow, cry until it hurts and mentally abuse myself because I can't stand how I feel. I told myself I would NEVER let myself feel this way about ANYONE. But I can't help it. The way he acts, the way he is, just walking by me, he takes my breath away. He is the most amazing person I have ever met in this entire fucking world and to lose him would to be losing the world. Lately he has been back and forth with his feelings and on a flower-level; he loves me, he loves me not. I hope what he says is true. I hope I can believe everything that comes out of his amazing lips. I love him, :( I do..and it's killing me inside. I wish there was a way to tell him how I really feel.....without losing him. <33

On another bad note; I have a recently diagnosed case of mersa in my foot. [toe to be specific], right foot, big toe. Tuesday May 6th I have to go to a podiatrist for "surgery" which includes 3028627190 shots and cutting, then depending on the severety, I might be put on an IV in cape coral hospital for three days. Nonetheless, No school except Monday next week [until further notice] I'm trying to look on the bright side (i still have 9) if they cut it. Or maybe even a miraculous thing will happen and no IV, no surgery? (well maybe no IV...lets be practical)

I just want to force my fingers through my hair and pull until I scream, scream until I cry, and cry until i hurt, about life in general. my life is at a never-ending plummet. Please, someone out there who cares, catch me before its too late. I will try to start blogging again...seeings as I don't really have a life anymore. When things finally start to seem as amazing as they are, thats when they decline, and they don't come back.

until then ~