Unfuckingbelievable.

I thought i had something real this time. A real friendship. a bond. an understanding. someone to keep you company at all hours of the night. I was wrong. I always have said age is but a number, and never assumed it could pull two people to polar opposites. Someone who I considered different, is in actuality, worse than your average. But I do understand, don't get me wrong. Just also understand that I won't want to waste another second worrying about a person that pushes me aside to to such a minority.

On another note, Tuesday and Wednesday will be productive. I get two days off, so -does happy dance- that means more time to me. Well not really. More to my AP project that's due in 19 days. Nonetheless I will get it done, I have to.

On the boyfriend note, yeah we had a little dispute last night..nothing major. I have come to realize that just because he doesn't say 'i love you too' it is the end of the world. I know how he feels. I have to let things like that go, because when it boils down to it...its just so minor. I love him, and I know nothing like that can come in between our love.

So Today, my friend Adam came over and we chilled for a while. It was refreshing, I haven't seen him in a while and we had a lot to talk about. I went and got my pathetic Winn-Dixie check and then made a trip to the bank and then Burger King. Later im taking my brother up to Dairy Queen to meet our dad and step-mom for some sweet stuff.

Afterward? AP AP AP. && Maybe I'll get to talk with the boyfrann if i have time.
<3

Barbaric

So a bunch of shit has happened today. My mom is officially throw out of the house. My grandparents are ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. My mother is 35 years old and obviously is still being treated as if shes fifteen. After screwing up the past 20 years of her life, starting with having me, she is actually trying to be straight. SO WHAT if she wants to go spend a week with her friend, whom lives MAYBE eight miles away. Its her life, obviously she is going to make her own decisions.

She comes here EVERY other day to clean the house and check in on us. That is more than she has ever done before, and honestly, it takes A LOT of responsibility off of me. I don't know why my grandparents insist upon having her up their asses 24/7 when all they do is scream at her and put her down.

So now they have stirred a bunch of shit up, and it looks like she finally told them off. I was gladly informed im not allowed to have any contact with her, what so ever and if they find out I do, im in serious trouble. Like stealing candy from a baby trouble.

And what am I told next? "Looks like you have to pick up the slack."

OH SURE, NO PROBLEM. LET ME GO TO SCHOOL 5 DAYS A WEEK TAKING A FULL HONORS AND AP SCHEDULE. WORK 6 DAYS A WEEK AT WINN-DIXIE AND STRESS MY BODY TO ITS MAX, WEB DESIGN ON THE SIDE FOR NFMCPP/NFMDRP, FLVS COURSES, DATE KODY, OH AND DID I MENTION IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE A SIXTEENTH-OF A SOCIAL LIFE?

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Accomplishing

That is the word I would use for what today was. I had an old friend, a really old good friend, come over and hang out today. We went out to breakfast with my grandfather at IHOP and I saw two of my good "just-graduated" friends and his mom. After that we watched the bucket list & A series of unfortunate events, as well as played some bad ass super smash bros [and yes, I lost.] It was a long, inspiring day. It made me realize that in life, it does not matter how much time separates two people, some friendships will never be lost. It gives me hope for those who shall not be named that I miss terribly. Today also made me be even more grateful for the relationship i have. More thankful for his presence and the love he reigns over me. I love Kody Jon Peterson, he is an amazing boyfriend. I love Connor William Witt, he is an amazing friend. It proves you can nestle in a shade of gray between everything and nothing.

Yikes

Well life sure does have a funny way of screwing you in the ass. Over the past two months my life has basically turned itself inside out in ever way imaginable. I dont even know where to start.

Well on June 6th, 2008 I turned sweet sixteen. June 7th, 2008 I celebrated it at the palace roller rink with some close friends. I'm not gonna lie, it was the worst birthday ever. Sixteen was anything but sweet at this point.

WORK: Well after turning 16, I officially got my spot on the stock crew and I average about 30 hours a week which is anywhere from $150-$200 a week. [can't complain.] Work is good, im growing close to my co-workers and we are one big family. { Art-Megan-Cristina-Melvin-Davin-Zach-Don-Bridget } apart from Winn-Dixie however, I am now working for the city of NFM doing web design [[nfmcpp.org]] for the NFMCCP/NFMDRP, which is the North Fort Myers community planning panel and design review panel. The pay is great, and It gives me bonding time with my boyfriend. Together we make a great team.

BOYFRIEND?!: Yeah, unbelievable as it may be..Kody and I are back together and have been for a little over a month. Things are going great and its a rare occasion that we fight or have an argument. Its smooth sailing and the love is definitely balanced this time around. 12-11-07 && forever. (:

FAMILY: no no, nothing has changed, im still getting royally fucked up the ass. I hate them, more than anything, and now they are all taking advantage of me and playing me like a game of monopoly.

SCHOOL: class of 2010 baby. school goes back in 24 days and I cant wait, 4th quarter of last year..i totally bombed and went downhill so now i get a fresh start. AP English III, TV Production III, Web Design III, Digital Photography, Precalculus, Anatomy/Phys Honors & American History Honors.

FRIENDS: same old same old. callie and I have prettymuch grown apart though, which sucks but..sometimes..shit happens.

yeah so theres life in two months summed up in one post.
Hopefully im back to blogspot for good.
(:

Lost & Forgotten

Yes I know, it's been too long, I agree. Life has been thrown at me from a million different direction and I've finally fallen apart. April seemed never-ending and I thought may would be new, exciting, loving and refreshing but so far its turned out to be D. none of the above. Lets start with school. I feel behind by ages when really I have only missed one day in the past two months. Nothing seems to make sense and I don't even have passion for my web design and broadcasting classes, the reasons I once only woke up for. I give up. I just don't seem to care anymore, and I'm scared to the reasoning. School only contains five more weeks, and then maybe a release from this teenager-hell.

Family comes next. Most days are simply UNBEARABLE. Now my mother is home, for the first time in years...and it's just different. I will never get used to it, for attachment and loss is something my body and my heart cannot take.

Kody. I love this boy, with everything in me. There are nights where I will scream my guts out into my pillow, cry until it hurts and mentally abuse myself because I can't stand how I feel. I told myself I would NEVER let myself feel this way about ANYONE. But I can't help it. The way he acts, the way he is, just walking by me, he takes my breath away. He is the most amazing person I have ever met in this entire fucking world and to lose him would to be losing the world. Lately he has been back and forth with his feelings and on a flower-level; he loves me, he loves me not. I hope what he says is true. I hope I can believe everything that comes out of his amazing lips. I love him, :( I do..and it's killing me inside. I wish there was a way to tell him how I really feel.....without losing him. <33

On another bad note; I have a recently diagnosed case of mersa in my foot. [toe to be specific], right foot, big toe. Tuesday May 6th I have to go to a podiatrist for "surgery" which includes 3028627190 shots and cutting, then depending on the severety, I might be put on an IV in cape coral hospital for three days. Nonetheless, No school except Monday next week [until further notice] I'm trying to look on the bright side (i still have 9) if they cut it. Or maybe even a miraculous thing will happen and no IV, no surgery? (well maybe no IV...lets be practical)

I just want to force my fingers through my hair and pull until I scream, scream until I cry, and cry until i hurt, about life in general. my life is at a never-ending plummet. Please, someone out there who cares, catch me before its too late. I will try to start blogging again...seeings as I don't really have a life anymore. When things finally start to seem as amazing as they are, thats when they decline, and they don't come back.

until then ~

A Friend

a supremely wise friend, once gave me great advice. "Relying on other people only makes us weaker." I couldn't agree more, too bad I waited to late to agree. Today was blah, too many substitutes to count. Didn't really do much of anything. No homework. I couldn't really ask for much more. I assuringly already ask for the world. Tonight I'll be at school basically all night. Leaving here at 6:00 and wont be home until almost 10:00. My mind is in a thousand different places currently and concentration is almost impossible. I just, I hurt so bad inside. Its one thing to make yourself emotionless, but numb is a deathly-scary emotion to feel. I am excited for prom, or am I, anymore? I know I am. I am in love with Kody, or am I, anymore? I know I am. I am dreading my due dates, or am I, anymore? I KNOW I am. Life is just so complicated, lets hit the pause button and relax for a bit; or maybe rewind and re-live the good days. Regardless of the button pressed, life will happen sooner or later, lets just suck it up, stiffen up our upper lips, and hold our heads high towards the heavens.

"How can you trust others, when you don't trust yourself."

Its Been A While

It's been a while
since i could say that i wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when i'm with you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

its been a while since I have blogged. Big blog ahead. Life in the past week has flown past me without any trace but that of sorrow and pressure. I turn around and I'm falling from grace, I revolve once again and I'm left picking myself up. A lot has gone on since the 21st of March. Lets take it day by day, that seems like my only option these days. The fears I have when I wake up are so real I want to crawl back into my warm blankets and bury myself in my fantasy.

Sunday, March 23rd - I didn't blog on Sunday because I was up from 4:00 AM until about 10:30 PM and that was by force due to my grandpas late arrival. I woke up, showered, put on my glamor face including a dress and heels and was off to Kody's for Sunrise Easter Sunday services at church and a long long Easter Sunday. It was pleasant, the whole family was their, and that includes both sets of grandparents, his great grandma, his aunt and her boyfriend and the immediate family/siblings. It was a ton of fun and it was another holiday spent with people I truly care about. Best Easter. (PS: not to give away Kody's secrets, but he turns into a freakishly cute and cranky 10 year old when hes tired)

Monday, March 24th - I didn't blog on Monday because even though there was no school I was busy getting all of my previously-procrastinated homework completed. Enough said.

Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday March 25th-27th - I didn't blog on Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday because school has got the best of me. I really have to step it up, and I'm trying oh-so hard. School until 2:00 PM then homework until about 11:30 PM and after that, blogging is not the 'B' word on my mind, but rather 'BED' or 'BLANKET' (:

So today I blog in lack of the previous-almost week. I have been contemplating life to myself lately. I now realize more than ever that Happiness is not something sitting for me on a doormat. But something harder to find than a golden ticket wrapped around a Wonka bar or a gallon of gas for under $3.00. Life isn't going to give me any slack. I have to fight for myself, and when I am thrown down, I have to learn to pick myself up. I can no longer rely on another human being for anything. In reality, nobody cares. Its tough to face as a reality, but once you do, you will be so much better off. (if that makes sense) Its hard. All my life, I pray for someone like that, someone to at least pretend that they care, to give me a sense of security and happiness and I thank god, that I have finally found him. Its the light on a dark situation. I love Kody Peterson. More and more everyday. && Contrary to popular belief, there are no stages of love. It is what it is, you create its definition.

Physically

I just can't be mad at more than one person at a time. I have tried, but you only live life once, and its wayyyy to short to hate/dislike or get angry. I love her, she loves me, we both know it, so now we can stop avoiding the truth. We also both know who I can be mad at, hands down, under any circumstance. People will be people, we are only human. humans make mistakes.